Happy Birthday, Christmas!

We've had a kind of down-in-the-dumps last couple of weeks...a dear friend of mine is in the throes of chemo for her lymphoma, holidays are always tough when dealing with the loss of loved ones and our sweet dog, Gator suddenly died on December 5th. Ugh.

So, it is nice to step back sometimes and see all the spectacle through the eyes of a 2-year-old. Last year, every time someone would say Merry Christmas, Lily would reply with "Ho, ho, ho." This year, every time Lily sees Christmas lights (on trees, houses, etc.) she says, "Happy BIRTHday, Christmas!"

From the mouths of babes, right?

M is for Banana

Lily's class at Kids' Day Out this year has a weekly homework assignment. On Wednesdays, they get a piece of paper with a large letter on it. The kids are supposed to color it and then cut out pictures that start with that letter and glue them on. Since Lily cannot really cut-or glue-or pick out the pictures on her own, it is kind of my homework, too. I'm kind of obnoxious with it, really, but it is fun. I keep sticking on the same picture of my sister over and over and point out things that begin with different letters in the picture...and on the letter "D" I stuck on a picture of Dave Navarro. Love it.
Part of the sharing on Fridays in class is going through the pages and having the kids name the pictures. So, on Lily's "B" page, there were about 10 pictures that she can name easily, but my favorite part is the pronunciation: "bear, books, ball, boy, baby, manana." No matter how many times I say it or point to it, the banana is still a "manana."

Pumpkins!

OK, so if you go back in my blog to this approximate time last year, you can see how much has changed! My little baby is growing up!

The Sweetest Thing...

Lily has a book of poems called My Great Big God. She calls the book her Bible. "Where's my Bible, Mama? Is my Bible in my bed?" It usually is since she likes to sleep with it in her crib. The other day, I asked her who was in her Bible. She opened it up and looked at one of the cartoon drawings from a New Testament poem and said "Look, Mama. Jesus is in my Bible!"

I love that she knows that at two years old!

Two Years Old

My darling Lily turned two today. I have had so many mixed emotions today that right now my stomach feels as if I just spent too much time on a roller coaster.

I'm so stunned by the fact that two years has passed since I met my little girl for the first time. I can so clearly remember holding her in my arms for the first time that I still have trouble reconciling that to the whole person that is developing now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and experience again, yet I am so excited for what the next years will hold.

I'm so elated to be here this year. I was adamant about birthday candles and wrapping presents in layers of paper since I missed all of that last year. Her "big" party isn't until next week, so I get to prolong the celebration even more. My heart caught in my throat so many times today when I once again realized how close I came to not seeing this birthday or any of the ones to come. As much as I would like to hope this is not a thought that will cross my mind every birthday, I think it is really unavoidable. So, I will just be grateful and excited each time.

And I am so enraptured with Lily. She is so amazing. I think back to a year ago when she was tottering on unsteady feet for the first time on the patio of the hospital while I watched from my wheelchair. Now, she runs, hops and dances all over the place all the time. Her earnest expressions are now matched with confident words and emotion. She has moved from her first "dane-koo" to long monologues about everything around her. She still catches me off guard when she brings up a topic that hasn't been mentioned in days or weeks. I scramble to remember the event or conversation while she moves smoothly along her lines of thought. When we say prayers at night, she will pause between names of people we are asking blessing for with a very sincere "and...ummmm...Auntie? and...ummmm...Gram?" until she goes through every name she knows at least twice. But still, nothing beats a "love you, momma" or "hold you, momma" and I don't think anything ever really will.

Her world is expanding around her and she grows with it every day. It is so enthralling for me to watch her play. Today she got a tea set-which prompted her to make about 43 cups of tea for Mommy, Daddy and Grandy; a dolly stroller-which she pushed around the house for ages with dolly strapped snugly in her seat; a doctor's kit-which will hopefully help her through tomorrow's two-year check up (hah!); and a doll house with a working doorbell and phone, etc-which she played with in all seriousness, moving the furniture around and letting the baby play in the swimming "cool." Of course, I can't forget the princess tent her auntie, uncle and cousins gave her. When I asked her today how old she was, she looked at me with her serious face and said "Leelee a princess!"

Yes, my baby girl, you are.

Anniversary

I am edging closer and closer to "the anniversary"...in just a few days it will be August 9. One full year from the date of the car accident that almost killed me. Parts of me are celebratory over how far I have come and how much more I can do than the doctors ever thought possible. Another part of me is feeling the frustration of going so long without being able to walk normally, type easily or wake up without pain.

I didn't really think that the date would hit me very hard. I figured that I would mourn a little and celebrate a little. What I've found is that I am getting random flashbacks to the hallucinations that plagued my first few days awake in the hospital. I am looking back at some moments almost with pity for the woman that laid in the hospital bed trying to grit her teeth while doctors pulled chest tubes out of her body. Then I take a mental step back and realize that woman I'm feeling pity for is me. It is a much more difficult process than I had ever anticipated.

I have found myself wanting to put up a post several times in the last couple of months, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It has been an overwhelming chaotic mess in my head every time I sat in front of the computer. I have also found myself not returning calls to people that matter so much to me. I can't bring myself to try to talk. I don't think there is any way that I can fully articulate the melee in my brain and heart. It saddens me that this date will always fall so close to Lily's birthday, but I am thankful now that it will be before her birthday instead of after. I can take some time to deal with the wounds that are still remarkably fresh and then move forward to celebration.

"Fasting"

A quick little funny observation...
When Lily is running, she puts her little elbows up and twists her bottom back and forth and will call out to me "Mama! Leelee fasting! Leelee fasting!" to tell me that she is running so fast.

So cute.

Mothers' Day

I know that every Mothers' Day will be special to me simply because that is kind of the whole idea for the day. But this one is especially sweet due to the events of the past eight months. I give thanks every day that God gave me more time with my daughter instead of taking me from the accident, or the operating room, or the next operating room, etc. I know that it is completely His grace that has allowed me this time here with Lily.

Even with the difficulty of the past couple of weeks, I have been thankful. The whole family has been sick at one point or another, I've started working again (which is much more exhausting than I remember!) and Lily is pushing teeth through like she's running out of time for it. She has sprouted five front teeth and one molar in the past couple of weeks. Poor girl is exhausted and, frankly, sick of being in pain. No amount of teething tablets and frozen washcloths or teething rings will stop it. She's been a real trouper, but I'm just as ready as she is to be done with this stage.

Today Lily was even more clingy than usual. I could credit the Mothers' Day holiday for that. I really don't mind her being clingy. I don't mind her only wanting her momma. I don't mind that I am the only one that has the power to soothe her just by being in the same room. Even when I'm exasperated with another pained tantrum, I'm thankful to be here to try to help her in any way that I can.

So, Mothers' Day was wonderful. Even the random tantrums, frantic biting of her fingers, and the refusal to eat much of anything due to the pain was okay by me. I sat in her room with her at bedtime and rocked her to help settle her down for the night. I was teary-eyed just holding my baby girl in my arms. She has grown SO much these past few months, and I still feel like I missed so much that I will never have a chance to get back, but as much as she has grown, she still fits me perfectly.

16 Again

I really wouldn't want to go back to being 16 again. Once was enough. However, I have finally been cleared to drive again after seven and a half months of being a passenger! It is a feeling of freedom SO much better than the one I had when I got my license the first time as a teenager. Now I can pack Lily up and take off when I want to. I can take her to the library or the park or her cousins' house...or to the grocery store. Yep, today we took a trip to the store because our mayo was past its expiration date. I was just looking for a reason to get out on my/our own and the mayo fit the bill.

I think that this will really help my mental state. I have been dragging a bit lately since my physical therapy progress is literally one degree at a time and it is hard to notice a difference each time. Driving gets me somewhere...a heckuva lot faster than walking will! So, hopefully, this new energy will help me get back to painting again-I'm falling behind on projects...blogging on a regular basis-seriously, Lily does something new and amazing every second!...and working (money is always nice.) Now, we just need to get a car to replace my smooshed one.

The Mom Who Cried Tooth

Ah, my 50th post...quite a milestone.

Even more of a milestone? Lily's first and second tooth. No, really. No, really, really. Just a few days ago, I spied a lovely little pearl on the top and the tip of one on the bottom. They look so foreign! As soon as I can get her to voluntarily show them off, I'll snap a picture to post.

On the downside of this development is the fact that they seem to be coming on in groups. This, of course, is quite painful for Lily and quite taxing on all of our nerves since she is usually such a pleasant little ball of fun. Here's hoping that some teething tablets will soothe the savage pain!

Cousins

I love watching Lily interact with other people...(I secretly love it even more that she would often prefer to observe while sitting contentedly in Mommy's lap.) Two of her favorite people are her cousins. Jake is older by almost three years and Evie (aka Doo-Dah) is six months younger. If I even mention that we are going to see them or her Auntie later in the day, she will not stop talking about them. Every time a car door shuts outside, she will look at me with excitement and say "Doo-dah?" "Auntie?"

Can't you just see lots of future sleep-overs here? Poor Jake. They will drive him crazy!

Booook-kah!

Lily literally will not get out of bed in the morning without a "boook-kah!" Once she is standing up and sees that I am looking at her, she points to her bookshelf and asks for a book. Thankfully, we keep a ton of books on the shelves in her room...and on the shelves in the living room...and in a bin in her playroom...and on every other available surface in the house. She loves to look through the books and is just starting to recognize aspects of different illustrations. Today, she identified pictures in a book that I didn't even really know she knew. I opened up the book and she pointed to the turtle and said "tuh-tull!" Later, when we sat down in the rocking chair in her room to read our last books before bed, she just laughed and laughed as I turned the pages of the book. She voiced the sounds that the animals make and just giggled at the ones she didn't know the sounds for (penguins and kangaroos, anyone?)

Mommy's girl

Agh! Lily is growing up so fast I can barely keep up! She is constantly pointing to things and naming them: "ball!", "apple!", "book!", apple-ball!" (a.k.a. an orange) and "cane!" Yes, I know that last one is not a common vocabulary word for an 18-month old girl, but when mommy uses one to get around, it becomes one. When she wants me to get up and come with her somewhere, she will look at where I'm sitting and say "off? cane?" and then go get my cane. Once I'm up, I have to stand for a second to establish my balance (it is kind of like getting up too fast EVERY time!) While I'm getting balanced, Lily will put her hand up in the air and say "hand!" so that I will hold hands with her while we walk. Sometimes she will take short, straight-legged steps so that she walks like mommy.

But I'm the one she runs to when something happens that surprises or upsets her, so she can do her "mommy walk" as much as she likes.

Pigtails

S.W.A.K.-Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Updates

First the easy one-Lily's teeth are STILL not all the way through. Yep. Her 18-month birthday is tomorrow and there is not a clear view of a tooth to be seen. If I had a dollar for everytime I've said "someday soon" I would be able to buy a car to replace my demolished one!

And speaking of fallout from car accidents...I went to the doctor yesterday to get the results of my most recent MRI-the one on my "good" foot. The good news is there is no real damage to the tendon in my foot. Kind of pales in comparison to the bad news that there is damage to my ankle joint from the accident and arthritis has set in. She even blithely mentioned fitting me for permanent braces on my ankles. Of course, they are ones that I could wear in a "regular" shoe and would be hidden under pants. Is this supposed to make me feel better? Yes, I am grateful to be alive-but it is still so hard to know that I may never be what I had hoped to be. I still have a long life ahead of me to miss what could've been. And, yes, I get to say that and feel that way if I want to right now.

Still waiting...

Well, Lily's three new teeth are not so much teeth as they are pink little bumps in her mouth. Seriously. Still waiting for those teeth to come all the way through. This is the slowest teething process ever. Her cousin, Evie, started pushing a tooth through the same day Lily's started to show. Now Evie has two little teeth poking through and Lily has...well...pink little bumps in her mouth.

On the flip side, she is SO grown up in other ways. I think she says a new word every couple of minutes or so. She can babble along for hours and a large portion of it seems to be recognizeable words. Or, I'm so tuned in to her babble that I recognize the words. Either way, it is very entertaining.

She has also taken to coloring and painting lately. A girl still after Momma's heart! Here we are at a preschool party at church painting frog rocks. (Ours promptly fell apart-but the process was cute!)

We are also discovering that she really only needs to see us do something once and she can mimic it-or figure out things we don't want her to figure out. Any time a cabinet door, refrigerator door or dishwasher is open, she wants to "HEP!" close it. You should see the lengths we go to in order to keep her from seeing how to lock and unlock or turn on the dishwasher. A couple of weeks ago, Gram (my mom) took the tupperware lids out of Lily's cabinet and put one cheerio on each one. The idea was to keep her occupied with different shapes and colors. Now, almost every time Lily is in the kitchen she goes to her cabinet, pulls out the lids and waits for her cheerios, or goldfish, or crackers...and yes, her hair does typically resemble this every morning. "Good Morning Crazy Hair!"

Pearl

Yes, it only took 17 months and 12 days, but there is finally, FINALLY a glimmer of a tooth in Lily's precious little mouth. She has been working her tongue against her bottom gums tirelessly lately and for good reason. Of course, I am assuming that if it took this long to get the first tooth, the others will either come in rapid succession or she will only have two by her second birthday. I wonder which it will be?

Chilly Lily!

It's a good thing Lily has her new coat (a Christmas gift from a former student of mine) because it is 25 degrees outside right now...although the weather site chirps that it "feels like 14 degrees!" Nice.

Almost like old times

Today Lily did not get a good nap. She slept for a pretty normal length of time, but I could tell when Pete brought her in the room that she was having a very cranky wake up time. So, a couple hours later, Pete went to meet some friends at an Ethiopian restaurant in town (I'll skip anything with curry as a major ingredient!) and I was left with little Miss Crankypants. I asked her if she wanted to go take a nap with mommy and she just kind of nodded in relief.

Off to my room we went. Now, you'll remember that when she was a tiny four-month-old, she only sleep during the day in my bed with me next to her. Now, she usually gets pretty squirrly if we put her up on our bed, so I wasn't sure how this would go. I knew that if she was going to get restless it wouldn't work because that usually involves rolling up next to my stomach and the gigantic scar and still-tender ribs were not going to put up with that! I hoisted her across from my wheelchair to the bed with one arm and pushed myself in after. I lay back and she crawled up on my tummy-uh oh, I thought. Nope, she snuggled her head under my chin, stretched her little body along mine and tucked her hands under my arms for a very hard snooze. It was almost like being mommy again!

Eyeful

Lately, I'm kind of obsessed with Lily's facial expressions and especially her eyes. Her personality is almost too much for her little body to contain right now. It just comes bubbling over into our lives every moment.




She's my angel baby.