Orange ball

I just think this picture is kind of funny. Lily is really puzzled by and a little wary of this ball. She tends to walk around it if it is on the floor. She certainly wasn't sure what to make of it sitting next to her!

Contentment

I have been relishing my time with Lily a lot lately...understandably so, I think. She has so much personality! Right now, we have a morning routine down: when she wakes up, I go in and she hands me everything out of her crib-dolly, bunny, two blankets-before she will let me pull her out and into my lap. Then, I do a slightly painful balancing act next to her changing table while I change her diaper and she begins her morning repetition of "apem-bau?" When we finally make it to the kitchen to eat breakfast, she starts bopping from side to side in her high chair to the imaginary music-girl LOVES to dance! So, we end up with our daily dose of Michael Buble or Natalie Merchant or some such music. Really, most children grow up with Itsy-Bitsy Spider...mine gets Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Eating typically takes an hour. We chat and dance and sing along to our morning music. These are the memories that will be with me for the rest of my life.

The best part is that right now Lily's favorite thing is our Christmas tree. We go in and I turn on the lights. Every time I do, she makes this delighted gasp with eyes widened. She promptly sits down on the ground to stare up at the tree and point at all the ornaments. Once I get myself down on the floor, she will get up and back into my lap for a cuddle. We sit there looking at the tree and the sparkly lights and I tear up just thinking about what "coulda been." This is going to be a very special Christmas indeed.

Her other favorite thing right now is walking with Momma in her electric pink, bedazzled walker. Cute, huh?

Baby Talk

I love listening to Lily talk. Her babble is so precious-especially when she tilts her head to the side a raises her eyebrows to make a point. Now, she has started to mimic everything we say around her. My favorites:

thank you = dane-koo

applesauce = apem-bau

amen = AYE-meh!!

Refocus

I've decided on a lot of things the past couple of days. Something about massive amounts of family around will do that to you. My mom's mom, dad's mom and aunt were all here for Thanksgiving which was fun for everyone-especially the kids. Gram and Auntie kind of dive right into baby care. Within minutes of unpacking Lily, Jake and Evie, they are on the floor with them playing, or pushing them around the backyard in toy cars. Needless to say, Lily has slept in past 9:00 every morning they've been here.

I digress. I've decided that my personal well-being, physically, mentally and emotionally are extremely important. I've decided that I will make every effort to build a fantastic relationship with any family member interested. I've decided that the alone time Lily and I get will be the best mother-daughter time I can manage. This, of course, will be much easier once I am more mobile. In the meantime, I will sing, play and boogie along with her to the best of my ability.

I missed a good solid month of her life. That's a pretty large chunk right now, but in another year it will be a small blip on the radar. She waited to walk until I could see her. The only new word she picked up is "uh-oh". She stopped using a pacifier and a bottle. On the other hand, she maintained the words she had uttered before the accident-I still think her first words are "thank you"...very polite child! Also, she has saved the joys of teething for me. Thanks, Lil.

But looking forward, I know she will be able to wax nostalgic over her childhood. She will have memories of her mommy playing games, teaching her songs, reading books and creating art and imaginary worlds. I will be that mommy. The one that relishes life and will pass that onto her daughter.

What can you get for $25?

Apparently, that is all it costs to get out of a traffic ticket given for hitting a car, killing the passenger and critically injuring the driver. Well, that's all it cost the woman that hit me.

Drama

We've had all sorts of drama going on around here lately. I'll choose to focus on the drama that really affects me...Lily drama.

The other night, she woke up around midnight and talked and talked and talked for about an hour and a half. Then she kind of fussed a bit and slept and fussed a bit and slept. Around 2:45 am, she started wailing. By this time, I was already up in my wheelchair to go get her. I opened up her door and she just got quiet and still. She reached down to get her bunny she sleeps with and then waited patiently for me to get across the room to her. When I put her in my lap, she clutched my pajamas so tightly and buried her face into my shoulder. I decided to bring her to my bed to see if she would sleep...just like the old days when she was learning how to nap!

I think she understands that mommy does not move as easily as she used to, because she held tightly to me and did not wiggle while I maneuvered back to the guest room (I'm still in this transitional bed) Once I laid down next to her, all the tension left her body and she went limp. She slept, unmoving, for almost four hours straight. I didn't sleep too much, though. I was pretty wistful about days gone by and what I could have missed if things had been a bit different the day of the accident.

Tonight, we went to my nephew's fourth birthday party. Lily threw up twice while we were there. First time ever for her. Yipee. The bonus for me on this one is that I can't get into the room very quickly to check on her if she throws up again overnight. Looks like this stomach bug is daddy duty!

Halloween

Lily is a lamb, Evie a duck, and Jake is the cowboy.





































I hope thes two will always have this much fun together...
and that Jake will always look out for his little cousin...

My reason for living...

Yes, before you wonder, I am going to continue the therapy that I started in the hospital. I have been having a lot of "mad at the world" days lately. I'm angry that I'm in this chair, I'm angry that my daughter won't get to know her Nanny Pam, I'm angry that months of my life have been altered in ways I could never have imagined, I'm angry that I'm letting myself feel this way when I know that there is nothing that can be done about my physical state until I am completely healed. Mostly, I'm angry that I can't run around and play with Lily in the way that I should be. Everyone is doing a very good job of taking care of her, but no one can care for her the way that I would...simply because I'm her mommy.

But, when I watch her walk all over the place in her wide-legged baby gait, I am so grateful to be here. I have these moments-like today when I watched her walking around the deck at my parents' house with a flower clenched tightly in each fist-that I realize that I almost missed this. Just a slightly different angle of the SUV during the accident, or a wrong move by a doctor, or God simply deciding that now was my time and I would have missed her grow up. The scariest part of that is that she is so young now that she wouldn't have had any conscious memories of me.

So, in between my pity-party moments and rantings to my new therapist (poor lady!) I revel in the moments that Lily looks up at me and grins her still toothless grin.

The worst of times...

Well, this is the post that almost wasn't. On August 9, 2006, I was driving home from the airport with my mother-in-law and Lily when a large SUV crossed the center, grassy median and struck my car head-on. My mother-in-law and I had to be removed from the car from emergency personnel. Lily, thankfully, was unhurt. My mother-in-law, Pam, died in the helicopter ride to the hospital. I was transported via helicopter as well to a large trauma hospital in Memphis. My prognosis was bleak. In fact, the doctors asked my family if I was an organ donor. That tends to put my family (and all their friends and acquaintances in non-stop prayer mode.)

In the hours/days that followed, I had surgery to remove my spleen and part of my pancreas, repair two collapsed lungs and a broken right kneecap. I don't remember those days at all. I am told that I was awake after a few days and trying to communicate even with machines doing my breathing for me, but I don't remember. What I do remember shortly after I was breathing on my own, is the hallucinations. I had something called ICU psychosis-coupled with the morphine being pumped into my body-which made me see and experience terrifying things that were not really there.

Once I was taken off the morphine, reality started to get a small foothold. I began to realize my state of being, which was sort of a blessing and a curse. In addition to the surgeries that I already had, I found out that I had several cracked ribs, a broken collarbone, cracked C7, ligament strains in my left leg and no movement in my left arm due to nerve damage. I still had two surgeries to endure on my right ankle, and another lung surgery to remove fluid, but I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened to the rest of my body and my life. I was pretty broken. I remained in the trauma hospital, trying to wrap my brain around the situation for 20 days.

After completing the remainder of my surgeries (and experiencing a level of pain I had never felt before-childbirth included) and having the first round of staples removed (32 from my abdomen) I was discharged to a rehabilitation hospital. There I was pushed to do things that had always been done without a thought-dress myself, brush my teeth, feed myself, get in and out of bed, etc. Now, each action required intense concentration and superhuman effort. I was trying to teach the fingers on my left hand to move on command and trying to withstand the discomfort on my right side whenever I moved my arm. The hardest part of it was/is the emotional turmoil.

As thankful as I was/am to be alive...

I missed my baby girl's first birthday. I wasn't even lucid that day. I didn't get to make the choice to stop nursing-it was made for me. I missed weeks of being the first person that she saw in the morning and the last person that she saw before going to sleep. So many people jumped in and helped, and I am so grateful. But, now my Lily was being cared for by other people. Mommy was someone that wasn't around anymore. I will never, ever get those weeks back. Even now I can't take care of her like I want to. I can't pick her up, roll around on the floor with her, stand with her perched on my hip, get her in and out of her crib, or even change her diaper and get her dressed. I am so grateful to God for being here, but missing these things cuts me to the core.
I am improving, though. Everyday I try so hard to make some little improvement so that I can stay on track with my rehabilitation. I want to be able to start walking at the end of November. I want to be able to pick my little girl up and hold her in my arms. She has learned how to kiss me when I ask for one, but I can't bend far enough down in my wheelchair to claim it. I want to pick her up and nuzzle her neck just like I used to. I'll get there, but I have a very long and hard road before me. Bear with me; I'll make it.

A kiss is worth a thousand words

Lily loves to cuddle with her toys, but today she decided that mommy looked like a good cuddling partner. I was holding her stuffed frog and she cruised over to me while holding onto the front of her crib. She pulled the frog out of my hands and tossed it to the floor (she has a pretty good arm for a baby!) I told her I wanted a kiss and she pressed her nose and mouth against my cheek. Later, she crawled up into my lap, put her head on my shoulder and patted my back. Certainly can't put a price on those moments!

A few of our favorite things...

Some of the things Lily loves to do:















Playing the piano-either the keys or playing with the pedals on the floor-doesn't really seem to matter!
















Reading and turning the pages...and she loves, loves, LOVES her dolly!
















Throwing herself across soft toys on the floor. She knows she is cute when she does this and she plays that up pretty well!

Just standing around...

Yep, Lily is standing around...not actually walking...just standing. And, no, there are no teeth yet. I'm pretty sure that her cousin Evie will have teeth before Lily does. Luckily, birthday cake will be easy to mush without teeth!

My friend, Heather, came to visit from California a couple of weeks ago-fun! Lily loves having some extra attention (like she doesn't get any otherwise!) I do have to say that bringing obnoxiously screeching plush bunnies along is not a requirement for visiting our house. Heather brought one for Lily and, of course, Lily loves it. She throws it around until it starts making "music" and then she dances to it. Heather won it in Vegas. "Nuff said. (Heather did offer/threaten to get us another one if we need it. Pete's birthday is in February, Featha-start planning!)

It was so nice to hang out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in awhile. We hit/smelled the oh-so-lovely Beale Street and had some sushi at a really nice place in downtown Memphis. We also got our Johnny Depp fix by boosting the opening weekend gross for Pirates. Fun for all! Luckily for Heather the weather was relatively mild for most of her visit. Now, she'll have to come back next summer when it is 101 every day.

When did THAT happen?

Lily had a VERY rough night last night...there seemed to be very little sleep going on. I would like to think that she is actually getting some teeth, but its not really true. Normally, I let her fuss a bit when she has already gone to bed because if I go in there, it just seems to wake her up even more. Last night, though, I finally went in to rock with her for a bit when she just didn't seem to be calming down on her own. I went to her crib in the dark and picked up my little girl, only...

she wasn't so little anymore. I'm not really sure when she got SO big, but it has certainly happened. I think that picking her up in the dark and not seeing her first really brought it home for me that my little angel is not a tiny baby anymore. I know in my mind that she is getting close to that first birthday and I can see on a daily basis her new accomplishments, her vibrant personality and physical growth, but in my heart she is still my little baby.

I finally got her settled enough to get to sleep, but then I couldn't...too much to comprehend.

Then, today-after a rough day of partial naps-the only way I could get her to sleep was by curling up with her in my bed. She spread her little body out over the mattress and laid her head down on my shoulder and fell asleep. She didn't move for an hour-very unusual for my active sleeper! As I drifted in and out of my own little nap, I smiled realizing that even though she is getting to be my big girl, she will always be my little angel.

Whew!

I just finished a week of solid workdays for the first time since before Lily was born. I spent the past five days teaching two back-to-back sessions of art camp to 17 students ranging in age from five to eleven. Of course, being in a classroom with a bunch of germy kids again got me sick on day two...so it has been a very long week! I'm not really sure how working moms are able to do it. I don't think I could do this regulary-the exhaustion and simply missing time with Lily was a bit much.

Little things kept popping up in my brain while I was working...things that Lily does that makes me smile. It probably made me seem like such a pleasant teacher-all that smiling. On the inside, though, I was picturing how Lily sits on the ground with one foot propped up on top of the other with her ankles crossed in front of her and no matter how I try, I just can't seem to sit the same way without throwing my balance to one side in order to keep from falling over. I could see her sitting on the ground and leaning over to the side with her head almost on the ground in order to put her cheek against one of her stuffed animals sitting beside her (SO much easier than picking it up!) I think if I were to be working full time all the time I would be a very distracted worker. This part-time gig really fits my brain pretty well!

In the back of my mind this week I kept wondering if Lily was going to do something for the first time while I was away. She is so close to standing and walking on her own and since I don't really know the full process of this learning curve, I kept hoping that she would just hold off until I could be home to see her. Of course, she didn't take any steps without holding tightly to her walking wagon, so my fears were unnecessary...but a mommy can wonder, can't she?

Smarty pants

This little angel-face may be hiding something... Like the fact that she climbed up on the bottom shelf of her changing table in order to fling out all the socks that were there...
or...how she has now figured out how to get the CD out of the CD player. Needless to say, we are listening to a lot of radio in her room while we play now.

To Your Corners!

I have noticed an interesting little habit of Lily's when she is sleeping...

When I put Lily in her crib for the night, she is usually somewhere near the middle of the mattress. Of course, she has flipped herself over in protest before I actually get out of the room, but that is a different story. Before I go to bed, I stick my head in her room to check on her and every night she has crammed herself into a different corner of her crib. She always has her head pressed against the rails, her arms at her sides and her legs pulled up under her tummy so her bottom sticks up. Every night it is a different corner-and it doesn't seem to matter which way she is facing when I put her down at night.

Looks rather uncomfortable, but-as always-very cute.

Elation

Lily had her first ride on the swings today...you can almost hear her squeals of delight!

No more hiding!

Well, there will be no more hiding things from Lily...at least things that she knows are there. I gave her a sip of my iced tea this afternoon and then put the cup on the ground behind me. She proceeded to crawl around behind me looking for it while I moved it silently in front of me. She kept going around and around me looking for the tea-then she stopped and looked up at me with this expression on her face like "Mom, I know it's there. Knock it off!" I had to resort to putting it in another room and finishing it later.

Lily is pulling herself up so easily now. She cruises a little bit, but mainly likes to stand holding onto something so she can gum it. Yep, gum it...there are still no teeth in that precious little pink mouth. My mom told me that my teeth came really, REALLY late, so Lily seems to be taking after me again.

But Lily's standing has renewed my obsession with her little feet. I adore them. She is so funny about gripping the carpet with her toes and rocking back and forth on her heels as she tries to balance. I know that once she starts walking in earnest they will start to lose their soft, new sweetness. I know that she will still like Mommy to play with her feet, though. One of her favorite games is her laying on her back with her feet in my hands and I will jiggle them all over the place in a crazy "dance" while I sing songs to her. She just giggles and giggles until she is to the point of laughing with no sound coming out. Then she will twist out of my hands and sit up only to push her feet into my hands again to start all over.

Bathing Beauty

I blew up Lily's baby pool this week...who makes these things without a pump attachment anymore-I almost passed out! Anyway, Lily had a ball splashing and playing. I have a feeling this is going to be a very popular toy this summer.

MORE!

I have been slowly adding some sign language into my communication with Lily. Today was the first day that I could see the sign for "more" really click. Of course, she does the baby version-banging her hands together in a clapping motion-but she knows how to use it! I usually put a few pieces of cheese or cheerios on her high chair tray and when she finishes, I ask her if she wants "more" while signing. Today, I was across the kitchen when she finished and when I turned around to look at her, she was banging her hands together and slapping them on her tray. When I asked her if she wanted more, she just lit up and started banging her hands together again. She was so excited that I understood what she wanted.

Right now, the "more" sign is connected tightly to food. I'm trying to use it with other things like music, toys and playtime. But, I'll take this as a very strong start!

A whole new world

Forget the short bursts of crawling-Lily is a pro now! My parents always told me what a fast crawler I was as a baby...I think Lily may have inherited that trait. I treat my house like the Panama Canal when she's on the floor-I make sure that all exits are blocked before we enter a room and then shut the entrance door behind us. Originally, we put up a few baby gates to contain our dog, but they are now being used for their intended purpose-baby containment.

Her favorite thing to do in her room right now is to crawl to the window and look out. Of course, she kind of forgets that it is there until I push back the two layers of black-out curtains and raise the blinds...but once I do, it's on! She will sit up on her knees and talk to everything she sees outside-trees, birds, cars, and daddy working on the lawn! Ah, cheap entertainment!

Problem solving

Lily has mastered crawling, although she still prefers to do it in short burst of a foot or two at a time. This new skill has, of course, opened up a whole new world to her. This evening, as I was getting her ready for bed, she squirmed away from the pajamas I was trying to wrestle onto her and crawled happily away in her diaper. She made her first stop at the humidifier where I have a DVD case leaning against the front to block the light from the power switch. She picked it up, put in her mouth, gnawed briefly on the corner before spying something across the room more fascinating-a toy, a book, a shadow, I'm not sure what it was that engaged her so much. So, she dropped the DVD case and began her trek across her bedroom to the bookshelf. I sat very still out of her direct line of sight so that I could watch her explore.
She pulled up short in front of her little red bucket, which is full of wooden blocks, a rattle and whatever random bath toy makes it in her room that day. She happily dumped the rattle and bath toy to the ground and proceeded to take out each block and stare at it as if it were a new creation. With her purple block in one hand, she kept bringing her other hand to it in order to make that banging noise she loves so well when BOTH hands hold blocks. Her face held this quizzical expression as if she was trying to figure out the scientific reason why her hand and the block were not making a loud noise. She noticed the other blocks in the bucket and pulled out the orange one. Now, we're in business!
Nope. Instead of banging the blocks together she looked back and forth between the two bright toys, dropped the purple one and stuck the orange one in her mouth, cooing happily as if it were her plan all along.
Teehee.

On the move...

Well, life has changed once again! Lily is starting to really understand how crawling works. It takes her awhile, but she can get to something she sees. I have started to rearrange furniture, books and shelf items accordingly.

We spent Easter with my family at my parents' house. It was so incredible to see Lily with her cousin Evie. Evie is the age Lily was when we moved to Tennessee. Wow! It is amazing to realize how much she has grown in just a few short months. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, eight months is such a tiny little blip in time-but the amount of change possible in that time is phenomenal. It makes me wonder how much I could change about myself in eight months. If Lily can go from where Evie is right now-holding her head up and smiling (sometimes!) to where she is now-crawling, eating solid food, telling exciting stories in baby babble, clearly indicating what she wants/needs-then how much could I accomplish? I'm not going to embark on some weird self-improvement kick, but there are some things that I could improve about myself.

I guess I'll check back when Lily is 16 months old and see how far I've come. I can already see how far she will be!

If at first you don't succeed...

Try, try again! Lily is making a pretty concerted effort to crawl. Unfortunately, she has only succeeded in scooting backwards across the floor. This morning, however, she pushed herself backwards almost all the way to the wall and then proceeded to turn herself around in an effort to scoot back towards me. She is certainly planning out her strategy and working with her current skills.

No teeth yet...just bucketfuls of drool. In fact, Lily was laying down on her bedroom floor today and was momentarily choked by the amount of drool her mouth is producing. I could see the look of panic cross her face which quickly morphed into a tortured scream. Immediately her hands are thrust out directly towards me in a "mommy, save me!" plea.

Her dad says that she is a "mommy's girl"-he's right.

A crazy day

Today was our first brush with a tornado warning since we moved to Tennessee. Lily and I spent a good amount of time on the floor of the closet while we listened to the weatherman give updated accounts of how close the tornado was coming. I did not grab any toys before heading to our little hideout, but Lily had a leather belt of daddy's to chew on to keep her occupied.

I think that Lily is starting to get her first teeth. Part of me is excited about this new development, but the other part of me is rather wistful. I love her soft pink grin and I know I have precious little time left with it until it becomes a toothy little smile. I think the worst part about it is that I know there is very little I can do to make it painless for her. All the Orajel in the world will only do so much.

I think the teethins is what caused Lily to have a horrible time getting to sleep tonight. She could not keep her eyes open at six, so I put her in bed. About thirty minutes later, she woke up screaming and would not go back to sleep so I sat with her on the couch for awhile trying to soothe her. As much as I wanted her to go to bed, cuddling with her on the couch was so nice. I know there are times in my life that I will look back with longing on moments like those. With her feet nestled on my knees and one hand on my shoulder, Lily put her cheek on my collarbone and drifted in and out of sleep. The feel of her soft breath on my neck and her fingers lightly grasping my shirt are those little memories that will stay with me. Of course, she then spent the next ten minutes giggling and talking while I tried to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing (that always spurs her on!) In the end, though, I know that holding my little girl and soothing her to sleep is something that I will not always be able to do. I won't always be able to hold her whole little body in my arms for ages just snuggling my nose into the side of her neck. But for now, while this seems to help those painful little pearly whites push through, I'm there.

More new skills...

Lily has learned that pages in books turn from the right over to the left. She will grab the right side of her doll book and pull the pages across until she hits the page with the "frizzy" hair. Then those fingers go right back onto the face of the doll so she can play with her hair.

She has also become quite the Cheerios champion! The first couple of times trying them were a little, well, trying. She would manage to shove most of her tiny fist into her mouth but then could not open up her fingers to get at the little "o" clenched inside. Sometimes, in her effort to make sure it was available to her, she ended up with it stuck to the outside of her hand while she wiggled her little fingers in her mouth. Now, she pinches each piece with her fingers before aiming towards her mouth. She has even tried banana chunks-those are a bit slippery, though, and require a lot of concentration.

Hopefully her airplane skills are growing-we are off to Scottsdale next week for a conference (for my new job.) Thankfully, my mom will be coming along as Lily's personal plaything for the weekend. With my husband's work schedule, bringing Lily with me was MUCH less of a hassle than leaving her here. I think that it also reiterates to my boss how important time with my daughter is to me...I already have my priorities set.

Too fast

It seems like I need to write everyday to keep up with all of the new things Lily is accomplishing! The biggest new skills are storytelling and swimming. Lily is quite the storyteller! She will babble on and on for almost 45 minutes straight when we are in the car or sitting on the couch together. Her voice inflection will slide up and down, mimicking her eyebrow movement. Whatever her story is about, it always has a scary part "oooo" and some exciting shrieks and a funny part "ha!" She will often cock her head to one side while she talks as if she is trying to get me to understand how important her story is. No need to worry-I absorb every word like oxygen. I have several of her stories on video so I can revisit them for years.

Last week, Lily and I went to Florida to visit her Nanny and Pop Pop (and great Granny, great aunt...etc.) and we discovered that Lily is quite the water baby. Her first experience with water deeper than her bathtub was the Gulf of Mexico-quite a jump! She absolutely loved it! As I was holding her up, she kept bending her knees and lowering her center of gravity so that I would put her bottom on the ground so she could touch the water. She even caught a small wave right in the face (mommy was a bit slow on that one) and recovered without even a whimper! In the pool at the condo, she would kick her feet as I pulled her through the water on her belly. She was quite a hit with the over 65 crowd-which seemed to be just about everyone. Her coordinated swim bottoms, hat and sunglasses contributed to her stylish charm. What can I say, she is quite the fashion plate!

At home, she has started to realize that when I stand behind her looking in the mirror, that I am not actually in the mirror. She cranes her neck around to find me behind her and flashes me a huge Lily-grin before checking to make sure that she can still find me in the mirror, too. Then she checks back behind her again...we could do this for hours!

Her new favorite book is one about dolls with fabric patches on each page-different textures for different dolls. Every time I pull the book out on the floor in front of us, she plays with the pages until she gets to the one with "frizzy" hair. It feels like they put the scrubby side of a dish sponge in it...she puts both hands on the hair and scratches her fingers deep into the page. She has a tendency to eat the faces of the dolls, so you can imagine the state of the book! I'm glad it is a heavy board book...paper pages would be DONE by now!

Personality Plus

With the recent birth of my niece, Evelynn, I have come to realize how much Lily has changed in the past six months. I know that I have noticed the little things as we moved along through her first months, but seeing how tiny Evelynn is and remembering how I could hold Lily easily with one arm really puts things in perspective.

Lily is sitting up quite well on her own now. She is so intent upon sitting under her own power that she graduated from the bouncy seat to an exersaucer. When I put her in it she gets this goofy grin on her face as she examines the toys over and over again. She rediscovers every time that hitting the duck picture makes it quack-and she is amazed every time it makes a noise. It is so entertaining and enthralling to see her discover (and rediscover) these things. The goofy grin is not limited to the exersaucer, though. She plasters that toothless smile on when I sit her on her blanket or when she rolls over on her tummy or anytime she sees her daddy or when she sees me first thing in the morning. I can't help but laugh, which spurs her smile on even more. When I take her to my parents' house, she grins at everyone in the room and everyone just grins back. She is the star of her own little show and we are happy to oblige!

She is getting to be quite the talker, too. She can babble with the best of them! I like having a duet partner in the car-I'll sing along to the radio and she will shriek and gab in the back seat right along with me. We have long involved conversations about everything from her books to her food to what our crazy dog is thinking when he treats the living room like a race track. Sometimes I can't wait for the formation of "real" words-but I really love this exploration of language that we get to experience together. Babble conversations really are the best because we can say anything we want and it is just pure delight.

A girl after Mommy's own heart

Need I say more???

Fear of falling

Lily has taken to spending vast amounts of time standing on her wobbly little legs gazing at the world. Granted, she is standing with my hands firmly around her waist most of the time. Sometimes she grips tightly to my fingers and balances on her own, wildly throwing her hips around in an attempt to see everything around her and stay firmly planted on her two little feet. I realized this morning as she stood on our ottoman staring down the potted plant on the shelves behind me that she has no fear of falling. She doesn't even know what it means to fear something like that, because her momma is holding on to her.

This came to me this week after I had a rather sleepless few nights due to no other reason than being a new mom and having a whole new perspective on life. As I stared at the shadowy blobs on the ceiling at 3 am, my brain wandered through all the events of the past six months. Having a baby is a lot to wrap your brain around! It is so exciting and terrifying to know that in her mind, mommy can fix anything just by being there. I can feed her, protect her, snuggle her, kiss on her neck and make her laugh. When I come into the room, whether I've been gone for two minutes or two hours, it is the highlight of the moment. I love that I can make her so happy by just showing up. It is scary, too, since I realize that in her world, her happiness will often hinge on my ability to meet her needs. Wow, I guess those commercials are right, having a baby really does change everything!

Growing Lily

Well, I started back to "work" yesterday after five months of pure mommy time. I will be working part-time teaching an after school art program...really it is perfect because I will only be gone for a few hours a couple of days a week. Yesterday, however, I was apart from Lily for nine hours-a new record-one I don't wish to repeat anytime soon. I must admit that having her back in my arms after that long apart is very sweet, indeed. The way she nuzzles her face into my neck and sort of coos is priceless.

I have found that I am more and more enamored with her everyday. Not surprising, really. But she has discovered her toes and wants to spend vast amounts of time everyday looking at them and grabbing them and putting them in her mouth. (Enjoy it now, my girl, you may not be able to do THAT your whole life!) Watching her study her feet or study her hands is engaging. I wonder what is going through her brain as she turns her hands this way and that and furrows her brow just like her mommy. I love watching her delight in the discovery of her toes everyday and how she sometimes giggles when she finally catches them again.

My parents and I took Lily to meet her great-Gram and great-great-Auntie last week. I have never seen those women so focused! They actually let coats drop to the ground in order to get to Lily quicker! They were so excited to see her and spend time watching her explore, laugh and play (and roll over and over and over!) For me, it was so wonderful to bring Lily to the place that was so much a part of my childhood. So many of my happy memories are attached to Chilhowee and I hope that Lily will get to build some there as well. I know that I want to bring her back as often as possible so that my Gram and Auntie can see her grow and change.

Speaking of growing and changing, Lily is getting much more independent with every passing day. She will wobble on her unsteady legs as I hold onto her and tries to keep her back rigid and tall when she sits on my lap. I know this is the first in a long line of traits to announce her separation and independence from mommy, and I am both proud and wistful at her growth. Now I understand that misty-eyed look my mom occasionally got over my childhood and adolescence...it seems that I see it more from her now than I can really remember growing up. Hopefully, it is because she sees a little bit of herself in me now that I am a mom, too. It is such a new experience to see myself in my mom and my daughter...it really shows how family traits can thread themselves through generations.

Happy New Year

Well, we've made it through the holiday season smoothly and happily. Christmas was wonderful with Lily. We actually had two Christmas celebrations with her this year, so we had double the fun. We went to my parents' house Christmas eve day for the whole family celebration complete with dressing up and the big meal and the melee of opening presents with eight adults and two children in the room. Lily wore a Christmas tutu that is absolutely precious-got to love those southern craft fair creations!

On Christmas morning, we had the traditional events that have endured through the years in my family. We opened stockings and then Lily's Santa presents (lots of books!) and then went through our family gifts. Most of this was captured on home video for posterity-transferring it to DVD is another story! Lily, of course, was not really sure what was going on, but she loves to have her mommy and daddy watching her, so she enjoyed being the center of our world yet again.

She has really taken to rolling over while she is on the floor. She will usually roll about one second after I take off her diaper or any other article of clothing. Babies really do love to go in the buff! Thankfully, she has not tried to roll while on her changing table yet. She is still enamored with the mobile that hangs over her changing table and loves to "talk" to the images dangling over her head.

New Year's was pretty uneventful due to the fact that she was asleep at least five hours before midnight rolled around...she didn't stir when the neighbors shot off fireworks at midnight, but I was glued to the monitor waiting to hear her wail. It was much more tense for me than for her! I'm very excited to see what this year will bring now that everything about my life has changed...