What a difference two and a half years makes....

December 2007, three months after the accident....

March 2009...

Attention to Detail

Lily has an amazing attention to detail when she wants to....she has this thing right now where she wants to check books for the page that has the cover art on it. She will look at the cover of a book and then go through every page until she finds the matching picture inside. A cute quirk, to be sure, but beware the book that does NOT have a copy of the cover art as part of the story.



She brought a book to me the other day (one of my old Richard Scarry "Please and Thank You" books) and handed it to me with a very exasperated sigh, saying, "Mommy, this picture is NOT in this book!" I tried to explain to her that sometimes the cover is different from the pictures inside and then I went through the book looking for a match. I thought at one point I had found it and I was pretty proud of spotting it until I showed it to her...



She looked at me with a very knowing expression, pointed at the hippo's mouth and said, "(Sigh) Mommy. This hippo's mouth is closed. It is not the same."



Whoops.

Lily Love

OK, so you know that feeling you got when you fell in love for the first time? I mean, really , truly fell in love...that sense of excitement and that need to be around the object of your affection at all times at all costs?

I certainly felt that when Lily was born. I felt it when she grasped my finger with her little fist the first time. I felt it that sweet September morning when she smiled at me for the first time. I felt it when she snuggled up next to me as she fell asleep...knowing that she was safe in her mommy's arms.

As Lily got older, I immediately felt wistful for those days gone by...they go by too fast! But every new discovery she made thrilled me. When she discovered her toes or discovered that the baby in the mirror was her own sweet face I was charmed. When she discovered the motions she needed to crawl and then walk I was proud-but a little sad to know that it meant independence from mommy. Her first words were a joy to me and her first sing-song notes of lullabies and snappy alphabet melodies were literally music to my ears.

After my accident-and not being able to see her or hold her forever-my desperation to be around her and be mommy increased. It was so long before I was able to hold her in my arms again. So long before I could really play with her or comfort her when she needed me. I cherised those moments that she found a way to snuggle into mommy's wheelchair-bound lap and hold on to my shirt so that I could push us into the next room. She adapted so well to my limitations and still does even when she really just wants mommy to run with her and play like the other mommies do.

Now, as I see her grow into a little girl-a funny, charming, smart little girl-I am falling in love all over again. Her observations on the world around her are amazing to me and her sense of humor thrills me. I love the fact that she comes to me in the morning so that I will snuggle with her in my bed before we greet the day. I love that even though she is a "big girl" she still wants me to rock and sing to her at night before sleep. I adore our little routines-whether it be planning out what we are going to do the next day or going over all the big events of her day or even anticipating what is going to cause her to flip out in a three-year-old tantrum in order to nip it in the bud!

Watching her develop relationships with other people gives me such hope for her future. She loves to spend time with her cousins, she gets excited for every opportunity to go to church or school to see her friends. I hope that she will always have relationships in her life that bring her happiness. And, even though I know I can't protect her from heartbreak, I pray that it will not devastate her and that she will have friends that love her and will care for her when she needs it and I'm not right there with her.

She makes me happy. Even when she is driving me crazy with the "mommy, mommy, mommy, MOMMY!" moments, I am blessed to be hers. Seeing her happy causes those little bubbles of joy to rise up in my heart. And knowing that no matter what life brings me and no matter how many tough episodes we will have to endure, I will always have my little girl to look at and love is the greatest gift I could ask for.

Guess what Lily learned in preschool...

Lily learned how to use scissors in preschool this week. She has spent approximately two hours today cutting an old coloring book into strips.

Paper...you've been warned.

"Me" time

I am preparing to leave for a short trip to CA to attend the wedding of a very dear friend. If you include travel days (verrrry loooong travel days) I will be gone a total of six days. Just me. Alone. No husband, no preschooler, nobody.
Sounds relaxing, right?
Wrong.
I'm sure that this will be a wonderful-albeit hurried-trip. I'm excited to see friends that I have not seen in over 10 years and hang with my Sharon. But getting everything settled to leave has not been easy. I think it is almost easier to pack for myself and for Lily when we have taken trips together. Packing for just myself-and the myriad of activities I have planned-and trying to leave notes about every possible need Lily may have for the various people that are going to pitch in to watch her while I'm gone has been nerve wracking. Yes, I know that everyone who is going to be taking care of her has done it before and knows my child well. But they are not her mommies...
Plus, this is the first time since I was bedridden at the Med, unable to move my limbs on my own that I have been away from her for any extended period of time. (Cue the sniffles.)
So, as I write this, Lily is sleeping facedown on the living room floor because she was too tired to make it to her bedroom once I put her down. I'm gonna go watch her snooze and be there when she wakes up since I'll miss the next few moments like those.

Braids!

This is a HUGE deal...no, really! The nerve damage in my left arm and hand have caused a lag in reaction time for the past two years. My left hand is still slow to process what my brain is telling it to do, and too much exertion (like typing or knitting, etc.) causes it to grow tired very quickly and feel a bit like what I imagine carpal tunnel syndrome must feel like.

However, one of my big goal this past year has been to braid Lily's hair. I used to be able to french braid my own hair upside down and backwards, so it is tremendously frustrating that I cannot handle such a simple task.

But....

....after almost 30 minutes of Lily standing patiently on her Disney princess footstool

....and mommy wrestling with her smooth-as-silk hair....

...we have braids.

Loving it...

With all of the stresses in my life right now (fun things like physical pain, financial strain and general stress about what our lives will be like in the next few months) I have taken time to stop and smell the roses. Or, in the case of me and a digital camera: Stop and take the pictures.
While I'm not going to upload them all here, I have taken almost 200 pictures in the past few days! Yes, most of them are of Lily or Lily and her friends, or Lily and her cousins. I was thinking about the memories I've captured, though, and had another one of those wistful, "I'm-so-glad-I'm-still-alive-to-see-this" moments. One of the picture stops was at a birthday party for Lily's friend, Emma. All the mommies were sitting around watching our kids climb up the water slide ladder and throw themselves down the slide with sheer, delighted abandon and someone started talking about age. Everyone came up at least two years shy of my current 34 years. When I told them I was happy about my age, I think I confused some of them. Then I said that, medically speaking, I should not have made it past 32 and I'm grateful for every day that God is giving me, that cleared it all up!
Later that evening, Lily and I watched soccer camp, played with friends and took a spin through the Collierville Town Square. We got out and walked around and I marveled again at the turn my life has taken. We live in a place in this world where over a hundred people are lounging around outside on blankets and lawn chairs listening to the "bluegrass picking" that other people are sharing. There were at least three different groups of people that show up on Friday nights to stroll around or plant themselves in one section of the square to play music together. Anyone can join in and play or sing along. While bluegrass is not exactly my music genre of choice, Lily adored the sounds floating around the main gazebo as she danced to guitars, dulcimers and a washtub bass. And watching her dance while old gospel songs and even some Lynard Skynard somehow managed to mesh around us was peaceful.

Someday...

Lily and I were sitting on the floor in her room this evening when she pointed to my scarred knee and ankles and said, "Mommy, when your boo-boos go away, then you can run?" I told her yes, and bit back the tears. What a sweet girl...she just wants her mommy to be able to run and play with her!

Mini Me

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love painting. So, when Lily was invited to a birthday party at Paint a Piece, I was curious to see how it would go. She loves her finger paints and her sparkly watercolors, but will sometimes lose interest pretty quickly. (She is only 2 and a half, after all! Not exactly an age known for long-term focus!)


And then the painting started...

Kids that started after her finished up and she was ready to put more coats of paint on her pig. She had a dead-on focus on her mission...even with my prompting to finish up since everyone else was getting ready to move on!

Of course, one thing got her attention on something other than her painting:

Cupcakes!

(That would work on her mommy, too!)

A Tip

OK, so I keep telling myself that I'm going to get back into this blog-world. Never seems to happen lately. So, I'll just put another cute Lily saying in here and go off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more??

Everytime Lily brushes her teeth, she ends with spitting in the sink. Except she doesn't spit. She very earnestly leans over the basin and says "Ahhhh-TIP!"

Yo ho, Yo ho...

Lily has been singing her version of the Pirates of the Caribbean song this week. It is my new favorite...

"Yo ho, Yo ho, the pirates like to read!"

Gotta love it.

Disneyland!

Lily and I made our first trip to that American Institution in the West, Disneyland. While part of me is kind of tired of the commercialized nature of everything Disney, and I really do wonder what is next in the advertisements on the rides (It's a Small World, brought to you by Botox, maybe?) I have to say that the place itself is magical. I spent most of the day watching Lily's face as she reacted to the sights around her and it was wonderful!

Once I got Lily past the excitement of waterfalls and stairs-there are A LOT on the Tarzan treehouse-she started to get into the new experiences surrounding her. Clearly, she is certainly her Momma's girl. Her favorite ride of the day was Pirates of the Caribbean. I was sort of wary of taking her on it at first, but eventually we went for it. My dearest friend, Sharon, was our Disney buddy for the day so we figured we could talk her through as much of the ride as necessary. In the end, Lily loved it so much that she asked more than once during our day there to "go back and see the pirates."

Another highlight was when one of the "crew members" working at the Haunted Mansion (after giving me a dollop of Purell to wipe on Lily's hands after she touched everything in sight) gave Lily a 1st Visit button. Lily was so proud of it and checked it frequently to make sure that it was still prominently featured on the front of her coat.

Andwhat would a first trip to Disneyland be without Mickey Mouse ears? I told Lily that she could choose any pair she liked and was certain that she would pick the pink ones with a tiny tiara perched on the top. Nope. She wanted the ones with the fairy on them. So appropriate since she is kind of saucy like Tinkerbell.

Lily did all the classic kid things that day: ate her weight in sugar, stared in amazement at the size of Goofy in real life, squirmed mercilessly in line (thankfully we didn't have many of those) and crashed into the nap wall while Sharon carried her from one ride to the next.

All in all, the commercialism of the business really doesn't overshadow the wonder in your kid's eyes the first time they see Sleeping Beauty's castle or Mickey Mouse walking down Main Street. And the wonder in my kid's eyes is enough to make me love it all the more.

Stress

Have you ever been so stressed out that you were pretty sure that your entire body was vibrating? If you hear a low humming sound coming from my general direction, it is probably my stressed-out nerves.

Happy Birthday, Christmas!

We've had a kind of down-in-the-dumps last couple of weeks...a dear friend of mine is in the throes of chemo for her lymphoma, holidays are always tough when dealing with the loss of loved ones and our sweet dog, Gator suddenly died on December 5th. Ugh.

So, it is nice to step back sometimes and see all the spectacle through the eyes of a 2-year-old. Last year, every time someone would say Merry Christmas, Lily would reply with "Ho, ho, ho." This year, every time Lily sees Christmas lights (on trees, houses, etc.) she says, "Happy BIRTHday, Christmas!"

From the mouths of babes, right?

M is for Banana

Lily's class at Kids' Day Out this year has a weekly homework assignment. On Wednesdays, they get a piece of paper with a large letter on it. The kids are supposed to color it and then cut out pictures that start with that letter and glue them on. Since Lily cannot really cut-or glue-or pick out the pictures on her own, it is kind of my homework, too. I'm kind of obnoxious with it, really, but it is fun. I keep sticking on the same picture of my sister over and over and point out things that begin with different letters in the picture...and on the letter "D" I stuck on a picture of Dave Navarro. Love it.
Part of the sharing on Fridays in class is going through the pages and having the kids name the pictures. So, on Lily's "B" page, there were about 10 pictures that she can name easily, but my favorite part is the pronunciation: "bear, books, ball, boy, baby, manana." No matter how many times I say it or point to it, the banana is still a "manana."

Pumpkins!

OK, so if you go back in my blog to this approximate time last year, you can see how much has changed! My little baby is growing up!

The Sweetest Thing...

Lily has a book of poems called My Great Big God. She calls the book her Bible. "Where's my Bible, Mama? Is my Bible in my bed?" It usually is since she likes to sleep with it in her crib. The other day, I asked her who was in her Bible. She opened it up and looked at one of the cartoon drawings from a New Testament poem and said "Look, Mama. Jesus is in my Bible!"

I love that she knows that at two years old!

Two Years Old

My darling Lily turned two today. I have had so many mixed emotions today that right now my stomach feels as if I just spent too much time on a roller coaster.

I'm so stunned by the fact that two years has passed since I met my little girl for the first time. I can so clearly remember holding her in my arms for the first time that I still have trouble reconciling that to the whole person that is developing now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and experience again, yet I am so excited for what the next years will hold.

I'm so elated to be here this year. I was adamant about birthday candles and wrapping presents in layers of paper since I missed all of that last year. Her "big" party isn't until next week, so I get to prolong the celebration even more. My heart caught in my throat so many times today when I once again realized how close I came to not seeing this birthday or any of the ones to come. As much as I would like to hope this is not a thought that will cross my mind every birthday, I think it is really unavoidable. So, I will just be grateful and excited each time.

And I am so enraptured with Lily. She is so amazing. I think back to a year ago when she was tottering on unsteady feet for the first time on the patio of the hospital while I watched from my wheelchair. Now, she runs, hops and dances all over the place all the time. Her earnest expressions are now matched with confident words and emotion. She has moved from her first "dane-koo" to long monologues about everything around her. She still catches me off guard when she brings up a topic that hasn't been mentioned in days or weeks. I scramble to remember the event or conversation while she moves smoothly along her lines of thought. When we say prayers at night, she will pause between names of people we are asking blessing for with a very sincere "and...ummmm...Auntie? and...ummmm...Gram?" until she goes through every name she knows at least twice. But still, nothing beats a "love you, momma" or "hold you, momma" and I don't think anything ever really will.

Her world is expanding around her and she grows with it every day. It is so enthralling for me to watch her play. Today she got a tea set-which prompted her to make about 43 cups of tea for Mommy, Daddy and Grandy; a dolly stroller-which she pushed around the house for ages with dolly strapped snugly in her seat; a doctor's kit-which will hopefully help her through tomorrow's two-year check up (hah!); and a doll house with a working doorbell and phone, etc-which she played with in all seriousness, moving the furniture around and letting the baby play in the swimming "cool." Of course, I can't forget the princess tent her auntie, uncle and cousins gave her. When I asked her today how old she was, she looked at me with her serious face and said "Leelee a princess!"

Yes, my baby girl, you are.

Anniversary

I am edging closer and closer to "the anniversary"...in just a few days it will be August 9. One full year from the date of the car accident that almost killed me. Parts of me are celebratory over how far I have come and how much more I can do than the doctors ever thought possible. Another part of me is feeling the frustration of going so long without being able to walk normally, type easily or wake up without pain.

I didn't really think that the date would hit me very hard. I figured that I would mourn a little and celebrate a little. What I've found is that I am getting random flashbacks to the hallucinations that plagued my first few days awake in the hospital. I am looking back at some moments almost with pity for the woman that laid in the hospital bed trying to grit her teeth while doctors pulled chest tubes out of her body. Then I take a mental step back and realize that woman I'm feeling pity for is me. It is a much more difficult process than I had ever anticipated.

I have found myself wanting to put up a post several times in the last couple of months, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It has been an overwhelming chaotic mess in my head every time I sat in front of the computer. I have also found myself not returning calls to people that matter so much to me. I can't bring myself to try to talk. I don't think there is any way that I can fully articulate the melee in my brain and heart. It saddens me that this date will always fall so close to Lily's birthday, but I am thankful now that it will be before her birthday instead of after. I can take some time to deal with the wounds that are still remarkably fresh and then move forward to celebration.

"Fasting"

A quick little funny observation...
When Lily is running, she puts her little elbows up and twists her bottom back and forth and will call out to me "Mama! Leelee fasting! Leelee fasting!" to tell me that she is running so fast.

So cute.