Anniversary

I am edging closer and closer to "the anniversary"...in just a few days it will be August 9. One full year from the date of the car accident that almost killed me. Parts of me are celebratory over how far I have come and how much more I can do than the doctors ever thought possible. Another part of me is feeling the frustration of going so long without being able to walk normally, type easily or wake up without pain.

I didn't really think that the date would hit me very hard. I figured that I would mourn a little and celebrate a little. What I've found is that I am getting random flashbacks to the hallucinations that plagued my first few days awake in the hospital. I am looking back at some moments almost with pity for the woman that laid in the hospital bed trying to grit her teeth while doctors pulled chest tubes out of her body. Then I take a mental step back and realize that woman I'm feeling pity for is me. It is a much more difficult process than I had ever anticipated.

I have found myself wanting to put up a post several times in the last couple of months, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It has been an overwhelming chaotic mess in my head every time I sat in front of the computer. I have also found myself not returning calls to people that matter so much to me. I can't bring myself to try to talk. I don't think there is any way that I can fully articulate the melee in my brain and heart. It saddens me that this date will always fall so close to Lily's birthday, but I am thankful now that it will be before her birthday instead of after. I can take some time to deal with the wounds that are still remarkably fresh and then move forward to celebration.