Still waiting...

Well, Lily's three new teeth are not so much teeth as they are pink little bumps in her mouth. Seriously. Still waiting for those teeth to come all the way through. This is the slowest teething process ever. Her cousin, Evie, started pushing a tooth through the same day Lily's started to show. Now Evie has two little teeth poking through and Lily has...well...pink little bumps in her mouth.

On the flip side, she is SO grown up in other ways. I think she says a new word every couple of minutes or so. She can babble along for hours and a large portion of it seems to be recognizeable words. Or, I'm so tuned in to her babble that I recognize the words. Either way, it is very entertaining.

She has also taken to coloring and painting lately. A girl still after Momma's heart! Here we are at a preschool party at church painting frog rocks. (Ours promptly fell apart-but the process was cute!)

We are also discovering that she really only needs to see us do something once and she can mimic it-or figure out things we don't want her to figure out. Any time a cabinet door, refrigerator door or dishwasher is open, she wants to "HEP!" close it. You should see the lengths we go to in order to keep her from seeing how to lock and unlock or turn on the dishwasher. A couple of weeks ago, Gram (my mom) took the tupperware lids out of Lily's cabinet and put one cheerio on each one. The idea was to keep her occupied with different shapes and colors. Now, almost every time Lily is in the kitchen she goes to her cabinet, pulls out the lids and waits for her cheerios, or goldfish, or crackers...and yes, her hair does typically resemble this every morning. "Good Morning Crazy Hair!"

Pearl

Yes, it only took 17 months and 12 days, but there is finally, FINALLY a glimmer of a tooth in Lily's precious little mouth. She has been working her tongue against her bottom gums tirelessly lately and for good reason. Of course, I am assuming that if it took this long to get the first tooth, the others will either come in rapid succession or she will only have two by her second birthday. I wonder which it will be?

Chilly Lily!

It's a good thing Lily has her new coat (a Christmas gift from a former student of mine) because it is 25 degrees outside right now...although the weather site chirps that it "feels like 14 degrees!" Nice.

Almost like old times

Today Lily did not get a good nap. She slept for a pretty normal length of time, but I could tell when Pete brought her in the room that she was having a very cranky wake up time. So, a couple hours later, Pete went to meet some friends at an Ethiopian restaurant in town (I'll skip anything with curry as a major ingredient!) and I was left with little Miss Crankypants. I asked her if she wanted to go take a nap with mommy and she just kind of nodded in relief.

Off to my room we went. Now, you'll remember that when she was a tiny four-month-old, she only sleep during the day in my bed with me next to her. Now, she usually gets pretty squirrly if we put her up on our bed, so I wasn't sure how this would go. I knew that if she was going to get restless it wouldn't work because that usually involves rolling up next to my stomach and the gigantic scar and still-tender ribs were not going to put up with that! I hoisted her across from my wheelchair to the bed with one arm and pushed myself in after. I lay back and she crawled up on my tummy-uh oh, I thought. Nope, she snuggled her head under my chin, stretched her little body along mine and tucked her hands under my arms for a very hard snooze. It was almost like being mommy again!

Eyeful

Lately, I'm kind of obsessed with Lily's facial expressions and especially her eyes. Her personality is almost too much for her little body to contain right now. It just comes bubbling over into our lives every moment.




She's my angel baby.

Orange ball

I just think this picture is kind of funny. Lily is really puzzled by and a little wary of this ball. She tends to walk around it if it is on the floor. She certainly wasn't sure what to make of it sitting next to her!

Contentment

I have been relishing my time with Lily a lot lately...understandably so, I think. She has so much personality! Right now, we have a morning routine down: when she wakes up, I go in and she hands me everything out of her crib-dolly, bunny, two blankets-before she will let me pull her out and into my lap. Then, I do a slightly painful balancing act next to her changing table while I change her diaper and she begins her morning repetition of "apem-bau?" When we finally make it to the kitchen to eat breakfast, she starts bopping from side to side in her high chair to the imaginary music-girl LOVES to dance! So, we end up with our daily dose of Michael Buble or Natalie Merchant or some such music. Really, most children grow up with Itsy-Bitsy Spider...mine gets Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Eating typically takes an hour. We chat and dance and sing along to our morning music. These are the memories that will be with me for the rest of my life.

The best part is that right now Lily's favorite thing is our Christmas tree. We go in and I turn on the lights. Every time I do, she makes this delighted gasp with eyes widened. She promptly sits down on the ground to stare up at the tree and point at all the ornaments. Once I get myself down on the floor, she will get up and back into my lap for a cuddle. We sit there looking at the tree and the sparkly lights and I tear up just thinking about what "coulda been." This is going to be a very special Christmas indeed.

Her other favorite thing right now is walking with Momma in her electric pink, bedazzled walker. Cute, huh?

Baby Talk

I love listening to Lily talk. Her babble is so precious-especially when she tilts her head to the side a raises her eyebrows to make a point. Now, she has started to mimic everything we say around her. My favorites:

thank you = dane-koo

applesauce = apem-bau

amen = AYE-meh!!

Refocus

I've decided on a lot of things the past couple of days. Something about massive amounts of family around will do that to you. My mom's mom, dad's mom and aunt were all here for Thanksgiving which was fun for everyone-especially the kids. Gram and Auntie kind of dive right into baby care. Within minutes of unpacking Lily, Jake and Evie, they are on the floor with them playing, or pushing them around the backyard in toy cars. Needless to say, Lily has slept in past 9:00 every morning they've been here.

I digress. I've decided that my personal well-being, physically, mentally and emotionally are extremely important. I've decided that I will make every effort to build a fantastic relationship with any family member interested. I've decided that the alone time Lily and I get will be the best mother-daughter time I can manage. This, of course, will be much easier once I am more mobile. In the meantime, I will sing, play and boogie along with her to the best of my ability.

I missed a good solid month of her life. That's a pretty large chunk right now, but in another year it will be a small blip on the radar. She waited to walk until I could see her. The only new word she picked up is "uh-oh". She stopped using a pacifier and a bottle. On the other hand, she maintained the words she had uttered before the accident-I still think her first words are "thank you"...very polite child! Also, she has saved the joys of teething for me. Thanks, Lil.

But looking forward, I know she will be able to wax nostalgic over her childhood. She will have memories of her mommy playing games, teaching her songs, reading books and creating art and imaginary worlds. I will be that mommy. The one that relishes life and will pass that onto her daughter.

What can you get for $25?

Apparently, that is all it costs to get out of a traffic ticket given for hitting a car, killing the passenger and critically injuring the driver. Well, that's all it cost the woman that hit me.

Drama

We've had all sorts of drama going on around here lately. I'll choose to focus on the drama that really affects me...Lily drama.

The other night, she woke up around midnight and talked and talked and talked for about an hour and a half. Then she kind of fussed a bit and slept and fussed a bit and slept. Around 2:45 am, she started wailing. By this time, I was already up in my wheelchair to go get her. I opened up her door and she just got quiet and still. She reached down to get her bunny she sleeps with and then waited patiently for me to get across the room to her. When I put her in my lap, she clutched my pajamas so tightly and buried her face into my shoulder. I decided to bring her to my bed to see if she would sleep...just like the old days when she was learning how to nap!

I think she understands that mommy does not move as easily as she used to, because she held tightly to me and did not wiggle while I maneuvered back to the guest room (I'm still in this transitional bed) Once I laid down next to her, all the tension left her body and she went limp. She slept, unmoving, for almost four hours straight. I didn't sleep too much, though. I was pretty wistful about days gone by and what I could have missed if things had been a bit different the day of the accident.

Tonight, we went to my nephew's fourth birthday party. Lily threw up twice while we were there. First time ever for her. Yipee. The bonus for me on this one is that I can't get into the room very quickly to check on her if she throws up again overnight. Looks like this stomach bug is daddy duty!

Halloween

Lily is a lamb, Evie a duck, and Jake is the cowboy.





































I hope thes two will always have this much fun together...
and that Jake will always look out for his little cousin...

My reason for living...

Yes, before you wonder, I am going to continue the therapy that I started in the hospital. I have been having a lot of "mad at the world" days lately. I'm angry that I'm in this chair, I'm angry that my daughter won't get to know her Nanny Pam, I'm angry that months of my life have been altered in ways I could never have imagined, I'm angry that I'm letting myself feel this way when I know that there is nothing that can be done about my physical state until I am completely healed. Mostly, I'm angry that I can't run around and play with Lily in the way that I should be. Everyone is doing a very good job of taking care of her, but no one can care for her the way that I would...simply because I'm her mommy.

But, when I watch her walk all over the place in her wide-legged baby gait, I am so grateful to be here. I have these moments-like today when I watched her walking around the deck at my parents' house with a flower clenched tightly in each fist-that I realize that I almost missed this. Just a slightly different angle of the SUV during the accident, or a wrong move by a doctor, or God simply deciding that now was my time and I would have missed her grow up. The scariest part of that is that she is so young now that she wouldn't have had any conscious memories of me.

So, in between my pity-party moments and rantings to my new therapist (poor lady!) I revel in the moments that Lily looks up at me and grins her still toothless grin.

The worst of times...

Well, this is the post that almost wasn't. On August 9, 2006, I was driving home from the airport with my mother-in-law and Lily when a large SUV crossed the center, grassy median and struck my car head-on. My mother-in-law and I had to be removed from the car from emergency personnel. Lily, thankfully, was unhurt. My mother-in-law, Pam, died in the helicopter ride to the hospital. I was transported via helicopter as well to a large trauma hospital in Memphis. My prognosis was bleak. In fact, the doctors asked my family if I was an organ donor. That tends to put my family (and all their friends and acquaintances in non-stop prayer mode.)

In the hours/days that followed, I had surgery to remove my spleen and part of my pancreas, repair two collapsed lungs and a broken right kneecap. I don't remember those days at all. I am told that I was awake after a few days and trying to communicate even with machines doing my breathing for me, but I don't remember. What I do remember shortly after I was breathing on my own, is the hallucinations. I had something called ICU psychosis-coupled with the morphine being pumped into my body-which made me see and experience terrifying things that were not really there.

Once I was taken off the morphine, reality started to get a small foothold. I began to realize my state of being, which was sort of a blessing and a curse. In addition to the surgeries that I already had, I found out that I had several cracked ribs, a broken collarbone, cracked C7, ligament strains in my left leg and no movement in my left arm due to nerve damage. I still had two surgeries to endure on my right ankle, and another lung surgery to remove fluid, but I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened to the rest of my body and my life. I was pretty broken. I remained in the trauma hospital, trying to wrap my brain around the situation for 20 days.

After completing the remainder of my surgeries (and experiencing a level of pain I had never felt before-childbirth included) and having the first round of staples removed (32 from my abdomen) I was discharged to a rehabilitation hospital. There I was pushed to do things that had always been done without a thought-dress myself, brush my teeth, feed myself, get in and out of bed, etc. Now, each action required intense concentration and superhuman effort. I was trying to teach the fingers on my left hand to move on command and trying to withstand the discomfort on my right side whenever I moved my arm. The hardest part of it was/is the emotional turmoil.

As thankful as I was/am to be alive...

I missed my baby girl's first birthday. I wasn't even lucid that day. I didn't get to make the choice to stop nursing-it was made for me. I missed weeks of being the first person that she saw in the morning and the last person that she saw before going to sleep. So many people jumped in and helped, and I am so grateful. But, now my Lily was being cared for by other people. Mommy was someone that wasn't around anymore. I will never, ever get those weeks back. Even now I can't take care of her like I want to. I can't pick her up, roll around on the floor with her, stand with her perched on my hip, get her in and out of her crib, or even change her diaper and get her dressed. I am so grateful to God for being here, but missing these things cuts me to the core.
I am improving, though. Everyday I try so hard to make some little improvement so that I can stay on track with my rehabilitation. I want to be able to start walking at the end of November. I want to be able to pick my little girl up and hold her in my arms. She has learned how to kiss me when I ask for one, but I can't bend far enough down in my wheelchair to claim it. I want to pick her up and nuzzle her neck just like I used to. I'll get there, but I have a very long and hard road before me. Bear with me; I'll make it.

A kiss is worth a thousand words

Lily loves to cuddle with her toys, but today she decided that mommy looked like a good cuddling partner. I was holding her stuffed frog and she cruised over to me while holding onto the front of her crib. She pulled the frog out of my hands and tossed it to the floor (she has a pretty good arm for a baby!) I told her I wanted a kiss and she pressed her nose and mouth against my cheek. Later, she crawled up into my lap, put her head on my shoulder and patted my back. Certainly can't put a price on those moments!

A few of our favorite things...

Some of the things Lily loves to do:















Playing the piano-either the keys or playing with the pedals on the floor-doesn't really seem to matter!
















Reading and turning the pages...and she loves, loves, LOVES her dolly!
















Throwing herself across soft toys on the floor. She knows she is cute when she does this and she plays that up pretty well!

Just standing around...

Yep, Lily is standing around...not actually walking...just standing. And, no, there are no teeth yet. I'm pretty sure that her cousin Evie will have teeth before Lily does. Luckily, birthday cake will be easy to mush without teeth!

My friend, Heather, came to visit from California a couple of weeks ago-fun! Lily loves having some extra attention (like she doesn't get any otherwise!) I do have to say that bringing obnoxiously screeching plush bunnies along is not a requirement for visiting our house. Heather brought one for Lily and, of course, Lily loves it. She throws it around until it starts making "music" and then she dances to it. Heather won it in Vegas. "Nuff said. (Heather did offer/threaten to get us another one if we need it. Pete's birthday is in February, Featha-start planning!)

It was so nice to hang out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in awhile. We hit/smelled the oh-so-lovely Beale Street and had some sushi at a really nice place in downtown Memphis. We also got our Johnny Depp fix by boosting the opening weekend gross for Pirates. Fun for all! Luckily for Heather the weather was relatively mild for most of her visit. Now, she'll have to come back next summer when it is 101 every day.

When did THAT happen?

Lily had a VERY rough night last night...there seemed to be very little sleep going on. I would like to think that she is actually getting some teeth, but its not really true. Normally, I let her fuss a bit when she has already gone to bed because if I go in there, it just seems to wake her up even more. Last night, though, I finally went in to rock with her for a bit when she just didn't seem to be calming down on her own. I went to her crib in the dark and picked up my little girl, only...

she wasn't so little anymore. I'm not really sure when she got SO big, but it has certainly happened. I think that picking her up in the dark and not seeing her first really brought it home for me that my little angel is not a tiny baby anymore. I know in my mind that she is getting close to that first birthday and I can see on a daily basis her new accomplishments, her vibrant personality and physical growth, but in my heart she is still my little baby.

I finally got her settled enough to get to sleep, but then I couldn't...too much to comprehend.

Then, today-after a rough day of partial naps-the only way I could get her to sleep was by curling up with her in my bed. She spread her little body out over the mattress and laid her head down on my shoulder and fell asleep. She didn't move for an hour-very unusual for my active sleeper! As I drifted in and out of my own little nap, I smiled realizing that even though she is getting to be my big girl, she will always be my little angel.

Whew!

I just finished a week of solid workdays for the first time since before Lily was born. I spent the past five days teaching two back-to-back sessions of art camp to 17 students ranging in age from five to eleven. Of course, being in a classroom with a bunch of germy kids again got me sick on day two...so it has been a very long week! I'm not really sure how working moms are able to do it. I don't think I could do this regulary-the exhaustion and simply missing time with Lily was a bit much.

Little things kept popping up in my brain while I was working...things that Lily does that makes me smile. It probably made me seem like such a pleasant teacher-all that smiling. On the inside, though, I was picturing how Lily sits on the ground with one foot propped up on top of the other with her ankles crossed in front of her and no matter how I try, I just can't seem to sit the same way without throwing my balance to one side in order to keep from falling over. I could see her sitting on the ground and leaning over to the side with her head almost on the ground in order to put her cheek against one of her stuffed animals sitting beside her (SO much easier than picking it up!) I think if I were to be working full time all the time I would be a very distracted worker. This part-time gig really fits my brain pretty well!

In the back of my mind this week I kept wondering if Lily was going to do something for the first time while I was away. She is so close to standing and walking on her own and since I don't really know the full process of this learning curve, I kept hoping that she would just hold off until I could be home to see her. Of course, she didn't take any steps without holding tightly to her walking wagon, so my fears were unnecessary...but a mommy can wonder, can't she?

Smarty pants

This little angel-face may be hiding something... Like the fact that she climbed up on the bottom shelf of her changing table in order to fling out all the socks that were there...
or...how she has now figured out how to get the CD out of the CD player. Needless to say, we are listening to a lot of radio in her room while we play now.